Addicted - training rest day

Okay, so this summer I decided I had to put myself out there and do something I normally wouldn't do: challenge my writing and show it to more people. I have realized over the past year that I have a new addiction: writing.

I almost overdosed this semester on it, but like every addict, even one bad trip isn't enough to keep you away from it. How did I even get here? Ah, the song of any person addicted to something they sometimes wish they weren't. And I only say this because sometimes, I can't stop. I get a great idea and I don't stop, not to eat, sleep , shit, meditate, change the channel, drink, sometimes I even forget to breathe. Because for me the action of words coming together is like breath, sometimes my words feel like my lifeblood poring from my fingers to the page.

And so sometimes, when I get so caught up, I don't know how to feel about this new found addiction. But I do remember my first word hits. I received my first taste of creative nonfiction in the Fall of 2007. Since that day I have searched for opportunities to push myself further in this genre. After taking my first and only "Advanced Creative Nonfiction Writing Workshop" at Fresno State, I have become a greedy participant. I want more. A writing and word junkie looking for her next fix and just like all addicts the thing that keeps me away from the opportunity to get a really wonderful word hit is funding.

Of course, as I stand here with my cup hoping that my words are tip worthy, I understand anyone considering filling my coffers wants to know where the money will go? I can definitely say that any coins that plop in my cup will go to feed my writing habit. A habit that I do not want to quit and that thankfully will not release me from its wonderful grasp. And the next legitimate question is why I am not able to feed my own habit? My funding has been very limited since I decided to return to school to obtain a single subject teaching credential in English Literature.

Therefore, in order for me to devote time to gaining competence I wanted to devote more time to learning and focusing in on the coursework. Consequently, I traded full-time work for part-time work, which affected the size of my bank account. As a single mom of a 9-year-old boy, we have always managed to get by and even with less money coming in we have always had the essentials: food, water, and clothing.

And even with my writing addiction the size of my bank account has not been a big issue. Because up to this point all I have needed is my laptop, my gray matter, a printer for hard copies, and a willing audience. But, now that I have the opportunity to feed my habit with a much larger fix money is suddenly becoming an obstacle.

But I hope that somewhere amongst the syntax, semantics, and pragmatics and other particulars of language, my words will be good enough to get me into the writing workshop this summer.

Sometimes when words come it's the reversal of any high, instead of ingesting something like alcohol to feel euphoria, it's the action of producing that pumps my adrenaline, it's the action of putting myself out there that gives me my fix.

When you finally find the pulse of your passions, don't ever lose how you found it and don't ever let anyone take that away from you.

I hope I'll find myself in July, drunk on words.